So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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