Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
