Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
