piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
