I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
