my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
