yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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