everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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