Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We need to get me chipped asap
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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