Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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