No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
