The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Randomize
