Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
