So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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