he shaved USA in his pubs
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
