I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
