just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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