So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
