I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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