whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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