Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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