Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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