I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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