My liver just broke up with me...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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