I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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