Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
