I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
