I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
