I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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