4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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