He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
