It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
