Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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