Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Watching her eat just hurts me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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