I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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