i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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