I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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