WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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