i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
