She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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