I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
