HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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