He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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