That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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