You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
