I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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