I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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