I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
