Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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