my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
