I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Pooping to opera.
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