Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
