My room smells like vodka and shame
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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