i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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