hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
